


so this is christmas

by SalomeWeil



Series: holiday season [5]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Party, Criminal Records, Drinking, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Christmas, Holidays, M/M, Mistletoe, brief Judaism, but we tried, christmas isn't happy for everyone, everything I learned about attorneys I learned from The Good Wife and Law & Order, happy holidays, please don't come for me law pedants, this is not the pure fluff you are looking for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 12:37:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13100280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalomeWeil/pseuds/SalomeWeil
Summary: Christmas festivities don't always go as planned and the holidays aren't always the happiest time of year for everyone, but Kylo and Rey are doing their best to make some good memories together. When Kylo's work intersects with Rey's life in the worst way, will they find the peace and understanding necessary to move on together, or will they each end up having a lonely, lonely Christmas? M for language.





	1. the night too long

**Author's Note:**

> So I was planning on pure Christmas fluff and instead this is what my postpartum depression laden body and mind began vomiting onto the page. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc and so on and so forth. I finally get to see TLJ tomorrow and I had to get this out there before my perspective changes completely. I pray we all have a little peace this season.

**_Christmas Eve_ **

 

“Those files were fucking _sealed_!” Rey seethed at the man she’d thought she’d been falling in love with.

 

“I know!” he cried back at her, one of his hands digging into his hair - his long, luxurious hair that she’d been running her fingers through only two nights ago. God, had it only been two nights ago? And now everything had gone to shit.

 

“Then why?” She pulled back some from his desk, shoulders suddenly hunching over, arms going around her middle like she could somehow hold in all the hurt she was feeling.

 

Kylo made a strangled noise and somehow managed to look like a stray dog that had just had its last meal stolen and been kicked for good measure. Still, Rey didn’t know how to interpret it. Was he sorry for himself? Sorry for her? Sorry for the whole shitty mess her life had been up until this point?

 

“Kylo. God, just answer me, please,” she said, her voice coming out hoarse with unshed tears.

 

“Rey…it’s a case. I…”

 

Rey gave a frustrated cry and then turned to race out of his office, throwing the door open so hard that it hit the wall and banged closed again from the force of the impact.


	2. and this is how I see you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Advent is hard, but Rey is trying harder. Will Kylo be able to help her overcome her past, or will he inadvertently make it worse?

**_Twelve Days to Christmas_ **

 

“I can’t believe I let you convince me to attend not one, but three holiday events this year,” Kylo pretended to grouse as he held Rey’s hand in the dark. He was of course referencing their time spent ice skating two nights ago and the tree-lighting they were attending now. Their night was lit only by stars and the thousands of twinkly lights that decorated the tree in the old city square. Beside him, he could practically feel Rey’s smile as it radiated warmth and no small amount of fondness. He didn’t have to look at her to know that her gaze was trained on the spectacle before them, though.

 

“You didn’t have to come,” she said, almost sounding smug. He did look at her then, taking in the large, puffy coat that overlaid her scrubs and the scarf she’d wound around her head to keep her ears warm. The lighting fell on a night she had to work, just after he’d finished a long day at the courthouse, and meeting in the middle for a moment of softness, of connection, had seemed like the perfect idea.

 

Only now that he saw her, and saw the shadows that filled in what should have been round cheeks and fresh eyes, he could only feel regret that she wouldn’t be coming home with him. Around them, people had begun singing a medley of Christmas carols and Rey was joining in.

 

She looked up at him as her lips were forming the words to “Jingle Bells” and Kylo couldn’t help himself. He leaned down and kissed the lyrics away.

 

“You’re terrible,” Rey murmured as he pulled away.

 

“A terrible kisser, or terrible for kissing you?”

 

“Neither,” she admitted. “Terrible for making me…”

 

She didn’t finish the thought, because her pager went off just then in a series of shrill beeps. Her eyes widened some as she realized what the distressing noise was and she hurriedly fished in the pocket of her coat for the device. Kylo waited patiently as she glanced over the message, squeezing her other hand gently to let her know it was ok, and he understood, and he wasn’t going anywhere. 

 

But some of the fierceness at being interrupted must’ve been present on his face, because when she glanced back up at him to apologize, the open adoration that had been present in her eyes was quickly shuttered. And instead of a lingering kiss goodbye, he was gifted a tender press of lips to one corner of his mouth. 

 

“I have to go,” she said.

 

“I know,” he replied. “Go on. When do you get off work tonight?”

 

She laughed bitterly. “Three.”

 

The A.M. went unspoken. Kylo looked her over again and shrugged. “Text me.”

 

“What, going to wait up until you hear I’m home safe?”

 

Was that sarcasm? Did she think he thought her safety was a joke? Did she not know what could happen to her out there on the streets? 

 

“Just...please, Rey. I…”

 

It was too soon to confess that he already loved her. He loved the way her hair never stayed put, no matter how many hair ties she used or how she styled it. He loved the way her forehead scrunched up in frustration when she was puzzled. He loved the way her hand fit in his perfectly: never sweaty or uncomfortable, only soft and smooth, her fingers gently curled around his. He loved the way her spirit for living seemed absolutely unsinkable, despite her long shifts and bloody scrubs and tired eyes. 

 

He swallowed hard, covering the words he really wanted to say. “I’d just appreciate it.”

 

Some of the adoration leaked back into her expression and she gave him a tired smile.

 

“Ok, 4B.”

 

He hoped the relief he felt at her acquiescing wasn’t incredibly obvious.

 

“See you Wednesday? You promised to help decorate for this ridiculous party we’re having,” he said with more authority than he felt.

 

She rolled her eyes at him and began to back away. “I’ll be there.”

 

“It’s a date!” Kylo called and was gratified to see her not only smile, but blow him a kiss before she turned her back on him. He hunched his shoulders against the cold and wished she didn’t have to go to work. He wished he could follow her. He wished he had the guts to tell her how he felt. None of those things happened, though.

 

Instead, he stood at the back of the crowd that was still singing and watched her walk away.

 

_____________________________________

  
  


**_Seven Days to Christmas_ **

 

“I just...I thought I’d be ok this year,” Rey confessed quietly into the phone. “But then that kid was brought in and it was the worst shift of my life - worst in my career, Finn, I swear to God - and all I could think was, I can’t do this. I _can’t_ _do this_. I can’t go to Kylo’s mom’s for Christmas dinner and make small talk and pretend like my life wasn’t hell until - what has it been, a decade already? God, it doesn’t feel like a decade. It feels like fucking yesterday and I am not _made_ for this.” She took a breath before finishing her thoughts in a soft voice. “For happiness.”

 

“Oh, Rey…” Finn went quiet for a moment and she began to mentally beat herself up for bringing it up at all. She always did this - Finn’s voice returned. “Why don’t you spend Christmas with us? That way you’ll be chill before you have to go to his mom’s.”

 

“Finn.”

 

“No, really! It’ll be fine. Poe’s been asking when you will for ages anyway. And you know I always love having you around. We have the room. You can come over Christmas Eve and we can do gifts, Chinese food -  _ everything _ the next day, up until you have to leave. Do it right. What do you think? Unless you’re planning on spending it elsewhere.”

 

Rey sighed. “Finn, it sounds lovely, but I’m working again this year.”

 

“Rey. That is not the elsewhere I was envisioning.”

 

“No, it’s alright. I told them to put me on. Just the first shift of the day. I’m off at two; that gives me a few hours in between. I could...I could still come over afterward. If you’ll have me.”

 

“Like you even have to ask, Hot Lips.”

 

Rey laughed despite herself. “It’s a date, then.”

 

“Speaking of dates, don’t you have one tonight?”

 

There was a knock on Rey’s apartment door. She turned her eyes toward it as she spoke to Finn.

 

“...no. I cancelled on him.”

 

“Rey!”

 

“What?”

 

“Come on, he’s the first good thing in your life in a long time -” Finn’s voice took on a wheedling tone and Rey interrupted him.

 

“I have you and Poe.” Rey frowned into her phone as she heard another two knocks at her door.

 

Finn laughed. “We aren’t willing to make sweet, sweet love to you, are we?”

 

“Finn!”

 

“Answer your door, Hot Lips.”

 

Rey was immediately suspicious. “How do you know there’s someone at my door?”

 

“Because he’s texting me right now that he’s outside your door!”

 

Rey swore. “You are a bastard, Finn -”

 

“Only technically. Rey, come on. Did he upset you or something? Is that why you cancelled?”

 

“Only technically,” Rey parroted and she heard Finn sigh.

 

“What, did tall, dark, and attorney make you fall in love with him? Because that’s usually the thing that makes you run like holy hell. And I hope you know cancelling tonight is going to make the party on Friday awkward as all get-out.”

 

Rey waited too long to reply. “...no. He didn’t make me do anything, for God’s sake. As for the party -”

 

There was a gasp on Finn’s end of the phone and Rey cringed. 

 

“He did! Rey -”

 

She hung up and walked over to her door. Yanking it open, she fixed a tight smile on Kylo’s face. 

 

“Hi,” she said. 

 

“I brought you soup,” he replied. 

 

Rey scrunched her nose up. Soup? Why would he - oh, right. She’d begged off their date by saying she was coming down with something. She flushed, suddenly angry at herself.

 

“Rey? Are you -”

 

She cut him off by reaching up and snagging a hand around the back of his neck so she could pull him down to meet her lips. When he pulled away a moment later, looking smug and dazed all at once, he stepped forward, into her apartment.

 

“What are you doing?” 

 

“If I’m going to catch whatever you have, I’m going to do it right,” he said, and his voice was so sultry it made her toes curl up inside of her socks. 

 

“I’m not...I’m not actually sick,” she said quietly as she watched him move into her small studio kitchen and set the container of soup on the counter. He glanced back at her, eyes hooded and lips still full and wet from her surprise kiss.

 

“I figured,” he said. He walked back over to her and shrugged out of his jacket, setting it across the counter as well. “Want to talk about it? Or not?”

 

“About what?”  If Rey’s breath was coming shorter now, Kylo didn’t point it out. Rey found herself feeling suddenly grateful: grateful he’d come over, grateful he’d not questioned her lie, grateful he was still willing to kiss her.

 

“About why you cancelled. About what’s upsetting you.” He looked her over, his expression somber. “Or we can not talk. Or I can leave, if you want me to.”

 

“I don’t want you to leave,” she replied quietly. “And...I can’t say I’d like to talk, because I don’t. I can’t stand talking about it. But it’s probably only fair.”

 

“Nothing in life is fair,” Kylo said and his voice was so fierce that Rey glanced up at him quickly and was arrested by the intensity in his eyes. 

 

“You can say that again,” she replied. With a sigh, she moved past him into the tiny kitchen space and began rustling about. She pulled two mugs out, some spoons, a couple of paper towels. Then she opened the container of soup. 

 

“Eat with me?” she asked, lifting it and one of the mugs. She felt brave and stupid and beautiful all at once and Kylo standing there looking like a demigod masquerading as an ordinary, tired man wasn’t helping. Still, she wanted him there. She wanted him to know the truth...or at least the important stuff. The parts  _ she _ thought were important.

 

Kylo gave her a slow, simmering smile that melted away any of Rey’s remaining indecision. “Of course.”

 

________________________________________

  
  


**_Six Days to Christmas_ **

 

Kylo waved to Hux through the window of the coffee shop. They didn’t exchange smiles - it wasn’t that kind of meeting. Instead, he kept his head low and shoulders hunched as he walked into the shop and slid into the seat across from Hux. 

 

“What is it this time? Need help planning your proposal?”

 

Hux sneered. “If either of us ever needs help on that front, it’ll be you coming to me for advice.”

 

Kylo reached forward and took the cup of black coffee Hux had ordered for him. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He stopped short of bringing the drink to his mouth. “Wait. You’re not proposing on Friday, are you?”

 

Hux’s usual, pinched expression deepened. “You don’t know Phasma at all, do you? She’d murder me if I proposed in public.”

 

“Really? I’m pretty sure she’s secretly a romantic.”

 

“And I’m pretty sure you’re devoid of all common sense.”

 

“Can’t disagree entirely,” Kylo replied. “I am still working with you.”

 

Hux huffed a little and glanced out the window. “I need a favor.”

 

“I assumed. And I assumed it was under the table, since you didn’t want to meet in our offices.”

 

“I need access to some files.”

 

Kylo sat back in his chair and looked Hux over, trying to decipher what it was he needed. Hux didn’t offer him anything else to go on and Kylo knew he wouldn’t, either. For some reason he didn’t want Kylo involved anymore than he needed to be, which meant that what Hux needed from him was definitely not the usual sort of file.

 

“They’re sealed,” he finally surmised and a flicker of Hux’s eyelids was all the affirmation he needed. “They’re sealed and you don’t want anyone to know you’re having them opened.” A short nod from Hux was his only response. He sighed. Yes, with his contacts he could usually get them unsealed, but the list of favors he owed for such actions already stretched into the red. Not to mention, he’d be disturbing people over their holidays... 

 

“It’s important,” Hux murmured. He looked back out the window and took a drink of his own coffee. He made a face. 

 

Kylo sighed again and then leaned forward over the table. He glanced out the window as well. 

 

“It’ll take a few days. This is the worst possible time of year to ask for something like this.”

 

Hux turned his head and looked him dead in the eye. “I’ll owe you.”

 

Kylo let out a soft whistle under his breath. “It  _ is _ important.”

 

“I wouldn’t have said otherwise.” 

 

A muscle in Hux’s jaw twitched. Kylo didn’t hesitate any longer.

 

“Give me the name.”

 

________________________________________

  
  
  


**_Five Days to Christmas_ **

 

The party was in full swing by the time Rey managed to snag one of the last of what had been a positive horde of holiday cookies. She had helped make the damn things and was only now getting to taste one. Feeling somewhat riled up and a little tipsy, she inhaled the cookie and was just licking some icing off her thumb when she felt what was surely Kylo’s presence looming behind her.

 

“Creep,” she murmured over her shoulder and giggled as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

 

“Your creep,” he replied and peppered kisses along her neck and across her cheek. She suddenly felt something warm and wet lap at the corner of her mouth and she smacked his arm lightly. 

 

“Get your own cookie,” she ordered, swiping away the icing he’d been licking from her lips with the back of her hand and he shook his head.

 

“I have one. Right here. And I’m about to devour her.”

 

Rey giggled again, not entirely unaware of how fucking out of character she was at the moment, and lifted her chin some as Kylo buried his face into the crook of her neck. She could feel his mouth nipping at her skin, sending shivers down her spine, and a lazy smile spread across her lips. Of course, her reverie was interrupted a second later, but her going stiff in Kylo’s arms only seemed to make him hold her more tightly.

 

“Poe! Poe, have you ever seen this girl this damn happy?” Finn shouted, dispelling their somewhat drunken haze of disgustingly flirtatious repartee and behavior in order to wave his boyfriend over. 

 

Poe slung an arm around Finn’s shoulders and grinned lecherously at the two of them. “Only once,” he decided. 

 

“Once?” Finn asked, genuinely curious. Rey rolled her eyes, preparing for whatever ridiculous thing Poe was about to say next.

 

“Once,” Poe confirmed seriously. “When she found out I’d asked you out and she wouldn’t have to hear you moping about how lonely you were anymore and why wouldn’t the hot guy who took the same train as you every morning ever flirt with you.”

 

Rey let out a surprised laugh and felt Kylo smirking, his lips still pressed against her neck. Finn moved to smack Poe’s arm, but the other man darted out of reach and then smoothly lifted his beer to his lips. He was grinning as he shrugged.

 

“Poe, you are the most obstinate, obtuse -”

 

“Objectionably good looking man you’ve ever met?”

 

“Objectionably something, that’s for damn sure.”

 

Rey felt Kylo lift his head and slowly slide his arms from around her middle. His hands gripped her hips tightly for a moment and she missed the feel of him wrapped around her already. They had yet to spend the night in one another’s arms, but after their non-date two days ago in her little studio apartment, she felt like a wall had definitely been breached. He’d been so sweet, bringing her comfort food for her faked cold, and hadn’t batted an eye at the thrift-store charm that was packed into every corner of her tiny apartment. And he’d held her so tenderly as she’d confessed some - not all - of her sordid history and then smoothed her hair and asked her if she wanted him to stay…

 

“I’ll be right back,” Kylo murmured. He squeezed her hips again. “I just want to check the punch.”

 

“Don’t bother, Finn spiked it already,” Poe joked and Finn smacked at him again.

 

“You are impossible.”

 

“But you love me, Peaches.”

 

“Speaking of love,” Finn said, narrowing his eyes and zeroing in on Rey, whose expression immediately became one of horror, “did you ever -”

 

He was cut off by a loud series of whoops and cheers and their small group turned to look for the source of the jubilant caterwauling.  

 

“Oh, fuck,” Kylo breathed and Rey looked up at him, then back across the room. She could just see Phasma’s head of pale blond hair above the crowd, with a patch of bright ginger hair appearing between figures, and above that was a sprig of mistletoe…she gave a delighted laugh and surged forward to join the others.

 

“Kiss, kiss, kiss!” 

 

Their small group pressed ahead just in time to see Phasma wrapping her arms around Hux’s neck as she kissed him within an inch of his life. When they broke apart, she was laughing and Hux even appeared to be in somewhat less pain than usual.

 

He murmured something to Phasma, meant only for her ears, and her smile began to fade, replaced with a look of utter confusion. His lips moved again, words still unheard as the crowd continued to chant for more kisses. Phasma’s lips trembled and her chest rose and fell quickly and Rey began to worry she was going to suffer an asthma attack or something of that nature.

 

And then Hux gently lifted Phasma’s arms from around his neck and got down on one knee.

 

Kylo swore in her ear again and Rey reached behind her briefly to smack at his chest, trying to shut him up. Her eyes were glued to the scene before them and she barely noticed when Kylo grabbed her hand and then wrapped his other arm around her shoulders.

 

The crowd was all cacophony for one brief moment and then Phasma turned and glared at them all, her eyes wild. 

 

“Shut  _ up _ !” she cried and God, did everyone follow orders. The apartment was deathly quiet in two seconds flat and Phasma turned back to Hux, her expression suddenly soft. She let him take her hand.

 

“I’m not good at this,” he began.

 

“Try me,” she murmured.

 

One corner of his mouth turned up. “And I didn’t think you’d let me do this, either.”

 

“We have all night, Armie,” she replied and her eyes sparkled. There were a few tentative cheers from the crowd.

 

Hux smiled -  _ he smiled _ \- and then reached into a pocket to pull out a ring.

 

“Well then. I can only hope we have longer than one night,” he said quietly, lifting the ring towards her. 

 

It caught the light and Rey could see Phasma was positively dazzled. Rey felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes and shivered a little in Kylo’s arms. His hold on her tightened briefly and she suddenly felt like an intruder and yet so very honored to be a part of this moment. 

 

Phasma nodded encouragingly and Hux pressed his lips together briefly, as if steeling himself against any possibility of disappointment.

 

“Phasma, would you do me the honor of marrying me?” he asked, and it was only a trained eye that could see he held his breath after he finished.

 

Phasma made a choked noise, clapping one hand over her mouth in overwhelming joy, and Hux patiently waited for an answer.

 

“Oh, yes, you sod! Yes!” she finally managed, eliciting laughter from the entire group surrounding them. Hux slid the ring on her finger and would have stood up, only Phasma bent over to meet him for a tender kiss, causing him to laugh in surprise. 

 

Rey didn’t know if she’d ever heard Hux laugh before - really laugh - and she smiled at the scene as the man was finally able to stand up and take Phasma in his arms. It seemed like everyone was catcalling and half the women were crying and then there was the sound of three cheers and champagne being uncorked and life was  _ wonderful _ .

 

Kylo turned Rey around in his arms and gazed down at her tenderly. “You ok?” he asked.

 

Rey knew she was one of the women who was crying and she nodded. “I’m ok.”

 

Kylo searched her face and then pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Good. Now why don’t we get this party going again?”

 

“I’ll start the music, you get the punch?” she asked.  He smiled down at her. 

 

“Meet you for dancing in ten minutes,” he replied before kissing her forehead again. Then he was moving back over toward his kitchen, to inspect the punch Finn had allegedly tangled with. Grinning, she turned and made her way toward the speaker docking station, ready to bring some cheesy holiday cheer back into the room. She and Kylo might not be at the proposal stage - they might never make it there - but for now, Rey had someone in her life with whom she could be happy and who cared about her. As usual, Finn had it right...but Kylo didn’t need to know that. Yet.

 

________________________________________

  
  


**_Three Days to Christmas_ **

 

Kylo snickered at the antics of the onscreen couple and eased further into the couch cushions, enjoying the feel of the warm body tucked up against him and the relaxed atmosphere of their impromptu movie night.

 

“They’re as bad as Hux and Phasma -” he began to say, but stopped short as he looked down at the woman next to him.

 

Rey was fast asleep, her head lolling against his shoulder, mouth slightly open, and eyelids twitching as she clearly dreamed the evening away.

 

He took a breath, ready to say something to her, to try and wake her, but his voice caught and he felt suddenly arrested by an overwhelming wave of emotion. He cautiously lifted his free hand and brought it over to her forehead, where he tenderly brushed a loose hair back. 

 

It suddenly seemed impossible that it was only just a few weeks ago he’d worked up the courage to approach her. How many weeks before then had he quietly thought of her; had he hung back by the mailboxes waiting for her; had he held the door of their building for her as he hoped against every fiber of his introverted, masochistic being that she’d notice him - that she’d just look at him, just  _ once _ \- before breaking his silence and finally  _ acting _ . 

 

And now this beautiful, strong, sexy creature was in his apartment at least once a week, and was willingly curling up on his sofa next to him, and was hosting parties with him, and damn it all if he wasn’t going to go ring shopping long before he thought she was ready for something longer than  _ right now _ .

 

Slowly, reverently, he bent his head over hers and pressed a sweet kiss high upon her cheek. She stirred a little, snuggling closer to him if it was possible, and he wanted to weep. He was going to give this creature  _ everything _ . Every part of him, and everything she could ever need - it was all hers for the taking. 

 

He wondered if he’d ever find the words to tell her that, or if she’d guess it on her own, eventually. His thoughts drifted over their conversation a few days ago, over everything she’d told him, and all she hadn’t, about her childhood. About how Christmas hadn’t meant shit to her until she’d been old enough to leave the care of her foster family and create her own memories, and how her Jewish friends had been the first to make her feel welcome during the holidays, and helped her find the joy in lighting up the darkness. How everything before then had been survival. How making good memories became a kind of warfare against everything she’d been taught and exposed to as a child.

 

And knowing everything he did now, this Christmas was going to be good, but next year’s would be even better. He was going to make it better. He was going to drag his uninspired ass to every event she wanted to attend and wrap presents in the shiniest, tackiest paper he could find, and hang garland along his apartment door, and buy candy canes, and take her ice skating, and caroling, and, and...he was going to love her.

 

And he was going to tell her he loved her.

 

And maybe someday he’d tell her all his demons and speak them away in exchange for the truth of her own she’d given him. And maybe they wouldn’t matter anymore, because she’d love him too.

 

Next to him, the future love of his life stirred again and he was jolted from his glazed out viewing of the television screen to glance down at her again. Her eyes were open and she was gazing up at him, a tired, small smile on her perfect lips. 

 

“Hey,” she murmured up at him.

 

“Hey,” he said softly. 

 

“Sorry I fell asleep.”

 

He shook his head and squeezed her shoulders. “Don’t apologize. It’s a terrible movie.” He smiled down at her. “You probably need the rest.”

 

She yawned and smiled again. “Probably...but I don’t particularly want to rest right now.”

 

“You don’t? Is there something else you want to watch? Are you hungry? I can order something.”

 

She shook her head up at him, still smiling, then hooked a hand around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. When she pulled away, his cheeks were flushed and a pretty blush dusted her nose. 

 

“Oh. I see,” he breathed.

 

She ran her hands up into his hair and pulled him down to her again and Kylo felt like every inch of his skin was lit up with an uncontrollable burn. He gave into her embrace eagerly and could only hope that his touch starved body wouldn’t betray him too soon and that Rey would be as gentle with him as he meant to be with their future.

 

When the credits began rolling on the movie a few minutes later, neither of them noticed. And by the time the film was stuck back on its menu screen and the movie restarted forty minutes later, it played to an empty living room.  

 

________________________________________

  
  


**_Christmas Eve_ **

 

Kylo spent at least one whole minute in horrible, anxiety ridden misery after Rey’s unexpected visit. One whole minute where he wanted nothing more than to run after her, but knew that he couldn’t because he had two more meetings and a deposition to attend that day, before he would be free to go home and prepare for the next day. Or, in this case, free to start searching for Rey so he could figure out what the hell had gone wrong and how she was Rachel Plutt, the girl whose record Hux had needed unsealed for an upcoming case, an important case.

 

Hux. He would know more. That thought calmed Kylo down marginally. Even so, worry continued to eat away at his focus until he had picked up his phone without realizing and already dialed the man’s number.

 

He didn’t realize his hands were trembling with repressed rage until Hux answered and he could barely respond because he couldn’t open his mouth to get the words out, his jaw was clenched so tightly. 

 

“Ren? Hello?” came Hux’s voice again, sounding so far away through the haze of guilt and anger. Kylo blinked and managed to take a deep breath.

 

“Hux, did you know?”

 

“What the fuck, Ren, I don’t even know what you’re -”

 

“ _ Hux, did you know _ ?” he tried again and this time the message must’ve gotten through.

 

“This is about the records.”

 

“No shit.”

 

“It’s someone you know.”

 

“No  _ shit. _ ”

 

There was a sharp intake of breath and a moment of silence. Then Hux spoke again, cool and collected as always.

 

“So how in hell do you know the Plutt girl and will this cock up our entire case?”

 

Kylo rubbed his eyes so hard he saw spots and grit out, “It’s Rey.”

 

Another sharp intake of breath, followed swiftly by a soft swear.

 

“Ren, I didn’t know. We just ordered the subpoena -”

 

“This is such bullshit, Hux.”

 

“She obviously changed her name legally. Maybe we can protect her -”

 

“It’s bullshit!”

 

Hux’s voice came out sharp, short, and forceful. Like Ren had ripped the answer from his chest and Hux was desperate to appease him before he destroyed the entire building.

 

“Ren, we’re taking down Snoke!” 

 

That shut him up. His breath left him in a hiss of air and he leaned back in his chair. After another moment of silence, Kylo managed to speak again.

 

“So I’m too close to be on the team, but you aren’t?” He let out a laugh that could have been a snarl and he swore he could hear Hux rolling his eyes over the phone.

 

“I won’t be in the courtroom. I’m only helping to prepare the case.”

 

“The D.A. seriously didn’t think she could approach me on this?”

 

“No, Ren. She didn’t. I imagine you’ll be called before a grand jury eventually.”

 

“That makes it all better, Hux.”

 

“Listen, Ren. I genuinely did not know about Rey. She’s covered her tracks well in the last ten years, she’s an upstanding citizen, completely reformed -”

 

“You think this can’t still ruin her?”

 

“Ren, I swear to you I will do my best to see she is protected. But Calrissian is not going to let her disappear. We need Rachel Plutt’s testimony.”

 

“You’re going to need a lot more than testimony if she ends up getting hurt, Hux,” Kylo growled into the phone.

 

“Understood,” Hux replied, his voice quiet, but hard.

 

The phone went dead and Kylo held it away from his ear and stared at it for at least another full minute. Then he shot to his feet and drew his arm back, ready to hurl it across the room -

 

But what if Rey called. What if she ended up in trouble, or wanted some kind of comfort, even if it came from him? What if she was willing to speak to him again, ever. 

 

He heaved a sigh and put his hands on his desk, leaning over it. Time to pull himself back together. Time to forget everything else and focus on the case at hand. There were more lives than Rey’s at stake, sitting in the files on his desk, prettily organized despite the disaster they were off paper. If he was very lucky, if he could focus, then he could get everything done and still be out of there in time to…

 

To what?  Save Rey from her past? From herself? From himself?

 

Another sigh left him and he sat down heavily in his desk chair. 

 

_ Fuck _ .

 

_ ________________________________________ _


	3. reminders of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding the courage to confront the past isn't easy, but sometimes others give us strength where we have none, and Christmas is all about new beginnings. Can Rey and Kylo learn to give each other - and themselves - a second a chance?

**_Christmas Day_ **

 

Rey sat on her friends’ couch, watching as they tossed a mangled gift-wrap bow back and forth, and argued about whose Christmas present had been the most thoughtful. She couldn’t help smiling, even though the expression felt foreign on her face, and her muscles were sore from all the crying she’d done over the last twenty-four hours. 

 

This was not how Christmas was supposed to feel this year.

 

She was supposed to be spending a quiet afternoon with Finn and Poe after her shift at the E.R. Then she was supposed to spend a quiet evening with Kylo and his mother. Then she was supposed to go to sleep in her own bed - or maybe not - and wake up and go to work again the next day, and not have to worry about Christmas shopping or holiday lights or carols or the bittersweet emotions they all inspired for another eleven months. 

 

She was not supposed to be huddled on her friends’ couch, watching as they shared a muted joy over gift-giving and exchanged meaningful looks with one another after darting concerned glances her way. She was not supposed to be stressed out over being served with a subpoena on Christmas fucking Eve, the day before, at her place of work, causing her supervisor to cut her from her Christmas shift and suspend her assignments for two fucking days. She was not supposed to be emotionally drained from the relentless flow of tears and anger that had erupted before, during, and after her confrontation with Kylo the previous day.

 

Then again, her sixteen year old self never would’ve expected to be celebrating Christmas at all in ten years, so she supposed it was something that at the very least she was alive to meet the day in the first place. Alive and miserable, but alive just the same. Alive, fed, holding down a job, able to pay rent, able to choose her friends and those she was around. Able to enjoy the luxury of sitting on a comfortable piece of furniture, feeling sorry for herself whilst a fluffy, friendly cat lay curled up at her side. 

 

She had so much. One subpoena didn’t have to ruin everything. Being forced to talk about  _ that man _ again after so many years didn’t have to affect her entire life. She just had to...face up to it, get it over with, and move on. She couldn’t be prosecuted for those crimes anymore. She was, effectively, free of everything but the memories. 

 

Her phone rang and she turned her head to look at it from across the room. Finn and Poe stopped what they were doing to turn and look as well, then they looked at her. 

 

“You don’t have to answer it,” Finn said.

 

“I know,” Rey replied.

 

“I can still just put it on silent for you, or turn it off,” Poe said.

 

“I know,” Rey repeated. 

 

She put a hand on the cat’s head and began to pet him with long, lazy strokes. The cat meowed and then settled into a purr, pushing its head against her hand. She enjoyed the sensation for another minute. Her phone went quiet.

 

“So, Chinese in a little while?” Finn asked, standing up and rubbing his hands together.

 

“Sounds good,” Poe replied. “Rey?”

 

“Hmm?” She glanced up at them.

 

“What would you like? Your usual?”

 

She opened her mouth, ready to agree, and was interrupted by her phone once again.

 

All three were quiet for a moment.

 

“Maybe it’s work?” Finn offered. Rey shook her head. 

 

“No. It’s him.”

 

“Yeah, but you said they were short staffed, maybe -”

 

“It’s him.”

 

Poe glanced between then both before walking over to the small foyer of the apartment to grab her phone off the hall table. He answered it.

 

“Hello?” he said, then wandered off into the bedroom.

 

“Poe!” Rey said angrily, sitting up straighter. “Finn, stop him!”

 

Finn lifted his hands, although his brow was furrowed. “I am not getting into it with my boyfriend over your phone.”

 

“It’s not - he’s talking to him! I can’t -”

 

“Rey, maybe you need to talk to him.”

 

“I don’t need to do anything!” Rey shouted, twisting around to look at him. The cat stiffened and then fled from the sofa and whatever illusion of warmth and comfort Rey had been building up for herself over the last two hours was brutally dispelled. 

 

“Rey, I’m not the enemy here. And I don’t think Kylo is, either. It sounds to both of us like he didn’t even know. And whose fault is that?”

 

Rey’s face crumpled from guilt and old wounds and Finn immediately rushed over to her. He sat beside her and wrapped his arms around her and rocked her back and forth.

 

“Oh, baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just...I’m just trying to help you understand what’s going on here. You don’t have to be miserable about this. You don’t deserve to be miserable about this.”

 

“Whether I deserve it or not, I always will be,” she whispered through the tears she was trying very hard to keep from falling. 

 

“I know. But at least you could be miserable around someone who likes you. Someone who gets it. But he’s not going to get it if you don’t explain it to him.”

 

Rey’s shoulders finally relaxed and she snuggled into Finn’s hold, wiping her cheeks free of tears as best she could. 

 

“I just don’t know how anymore, Finn. I already told him as much as I could last week. And we - and he and I -” She stopped, closing her eyes and clenching her jaw. She had to keep her eyes closed, because if she looked at the sympathy on Finn’s beautiful, compassionate face for much longer, she’d fall apart. 

 

“Rey?” Poe’s voice interrupted the atmosphere in the room like lightning, the tension was so thick. 

 

Rey managed to turn and look at him while Finn kept his hands on her shoulders, smoothing them down her arms and back in a comforting rhythm. 

 

“What is it, Poe?” she asked, sniffling slightly. 

 

“Rey, he wants to talk to you.”

 

“I don’t want to talk to him.”

 

“But you do want to know how often he calls?”

 

“Poe!”

 

Poe ignored the horrified expression on his boyfriend’s face and held the phone out to Rey. 

 

“What? I’m not wrong. If she really didn’t want anything to do with him she’d turn the phone off.”

 

Finn stood up. 

 

“Poe, you’re being a dick.”

 

Poe leveled a look at Finn. “I know, and I’m sorry. But he sounds genuinely sorry and sitting here with us is not helping her right now.” He looked back at Rey. “Rey, just take the phone.”

 

“Fine,” she said shortly and reached a hand out. Poe walked over and deposited it in her hand before grabbing Finn and dragging him back over to the kitchen, the two of them speaking in hard, hushed tones to one another.

 

Rey straightened her shoulders, took a deep breath, and then put the phone up to her ear.

 

“Well?” she queried into the silence on the line. 

 

“Rey?” came his voice, softer than she could remember hearing. Like velvet. Like a balm.

 

She closed her eyes, picturing him in front of her as she first remembered really seeing him: chain mail, a goofy expression, and something surprisingly gentle in his brown eyes. Something just for her.

 

She cleared her throat a little. “Speaking.”

 

“I know telling you how sorry I am won’t change anything, but I’d like to try, Rey. And...I’d like the chance to explain what’s happening, and why I got the records unsealed.”

 

They’d known one another less than two months. Less than two months and yet she felt more connected to him in that short time than anyone else she’d known. Finn was right. She didn’t deserve to be miserable over this anymore..and neither did he. Kylo hadn’t known the whole story. 

 

Still, it was hard to move past the shock of having her past raked up again after she’d finally put it to bed. She’d foolishly hoped that maybe she could have something good in her life that would be completely untainted by the man who’d nearly ruined said life.

 

“Ok.”

 

She was barely aware she’d said the word, but she could hear a relieved gasp on the other end of the phone and knew that Kylo was thanking all his lucky stars.

 

“When can I see you?”

 

“Are you free today?” Rey replied, her tone wry.

 

“Where?” Kylo asked, not missing a beat.

 

“I’ll text you.”

 

She hung up before he could respond and then sat there, phone in her hands, hands shaking, and not entirely sure she wasn’t an idiot. A moment later, she felt Finn’s hands on her shoulders again.

 

“Want me with you?” he asked and she shook her head, but she managed to smile.

 

“Thanks, though.”

 

Finn smiled back at her before drawing her into a tight hug. “I’m proud of you. So, so proud of you.”

 

Her crying was muffled by his shoulder.

 

_ _________________________________________ _

 

_ Your place. Two hours. _

 

Kylo glanced at his phone for the twentieth time in the last fifteen minutes, rereading her last text. He’d responded with an  _ are you sure? _ She hadn’t texted again and he’d assumed that meant he could expect her when she said. 

 

God, he was sweating. He hadn’t been this nervous about an interview in years - Snoke had bullied any sense of fear out of him a long time ago. But here he was, waiting for the woman he loved - and he had to tell her he loved her, he  _ had  _ to, before he lost the chance entirely - and he was as nervous as he had been the first time he’d ever stood before a judge and argued a case. Which was, what, middle school? Debate team? 

 

He let out a bark of laughter at his own insanity and ran a hand up through his hair - and then there was a knock on his door. He straightened up and glanced at the time.

 

Two hours, on the dot. She was prompt for his doom, it seemed. 

 

Then again, she was always prompt. It was one of the things he liked about her. One of many, many things he liked about her. He groaned and rubbed a hand over his jaw, glancing once more into the kitchen, at the clock, and across the counter where he’d set out a bottle of wine and two glasses.

 

He was trying to be an optimist.

 

There was another knock at the door, this one a little more timid than the last, and he had to force himself to move forward, into the small foyer, and open the door. 

 

And there she was: standing in the hallway, bundled in her old coat - scarf around her neck this time - and blinking up at him like she couldn’t quite believe she’d agreed to see him today, either.

 

“Come in, please,” he said quietly and she brushed past him and into his apartment with only the slightest hesitation. 

 

She must have seen the wine and glasses as soon as she walked in, because the look she leveled at him could only have been disbelief shaded with scorn. 

 

“Ah - please, would you like to sit down?” he asked, moving to block the view of his kitchen counters and gesturing behind her, to the living area. 

 

“No,” she said, her voice crisp. She looked at him, up and down, and for a brief moment he thought she was going to deliver the most scathing put down of his career - but no. Instead, she lowered her gaze to a corner of his apartment somewhere past him and crossed her arms. “Well? I’m here. Explain away.”

 

He cleared his throat a little and shifted his weight. “You don’t want to -”

 

“No,” she repeated. 

 

He nodded and dropped his gaze as well, searching the floor. He worked his lower lip between his teeth for a moment, then looked up at her again. 

 

“It’s not my case,” he said. “Hux came to me and asked for my help because I can usually get more done in the way of sealed records. He told me it was important, he told me the name, but neither of us had any idea it was you.” He took a breath. “I hope you can believe that.”

 

“Believe what?” she asked, lifting her gaze to his. Her eyes were stormy and fierce and Kylo felt something in his chest twist up. 

 

“I hope you can believe that this wasn’t some horrible conspiracy. That it’s pure, fucked up coincidence we live next door. That I like you for you, not because I secretly was trying to get leverage in some case for the D.A. Because it isn’t like that. It was never like that, and still isn’t.”

 

“Then how is it, Kylo?” Rey exploded. “How could you do something as shitty as unseal the records of a fucking minor without bothering to find out who she is now, without trying to figure out what kind of impact it might have on her life? How  _ could _ you?”

 

“Shit, Rey! This is what I mean! We didn’t know,  _ I didn’t know _ . And it isn’t for nothing - the D.A. is trying to build a case against someone really, really bad, Rey. It’s not -”

 

“That doesn’t matter to me!” she shouted, her voice coming hoarse. She started sobbing, bent at the ribs, mouth open in a howl of grief. “It doesn’t matter at all -”

 

“But it does.”

 

Rey stopped mid-sentence and looked up at him, tears still streaking down her face. Despite the scene before him breaking his heart, now was the time to come clean. So, Kylo knew all there was to know about Rey. Now she deserved to know all there was to know about himself. He tried to gather his thoughts and watched as she lifted a hand to her cheeks to desperately wipe away her tears. 

 

“Well? I guess I better let you explain. I didn’t come here to fight, anyway.” She paused and glanced down again. “I’m sorry.”

 

“No, Rey. You don’t have to apologize for anything. You’re right, you’re so right. I could’ve done that better. But I was in the middle of my own case and once the order came through I just wanted to pass it off again and get back to my own work. It was irresponsible of me. Rey…” he stepped forward cautiously. When she didn’t back up, he reached a hand out to her. “Rey, nothing in that file could possibly change how I feel about you.”

 

She looked at him, her eyes wide and he pressed his advantage.

 

“I...care about you, Rey. More than I expected to after two months.” He offered her a tentative smile. “You already shared what you wanted to with me and I don’t expect to hear the whole story. I don’t need to. But I do need to make sure you know that you’re worth more to me than what happened to you in the past.”

 

Slowly, she uncrossed her arms and reached a hand towards his. He held his breath, and then she was sliding her fingers along his, and then their palms were connected and he was wrapping his fingers around her slender hand. 

 

They let out their breaths at the same time, shaky, scared, and full of hope.

 

Kylo made the plunge.

 

“I can only hope you feel the same way about me.”

 

Rey searched his face, her eyes narrowed, her lashes were still damp from crying. “You? Why? What else have you done that I need to worry about?”

 

If she was joking, she realized quickly from the set of his jaw that he wasn’t. She curled her fingers around his hand as well and he felt her giving it a slight squeeze.

 

“I’ll take that seat now,” she murmured. 

 

“And the wine?” Kylo responded with a weak smile.

 

She took a deep breath and let it out, then nodded.

 

“Why not. It looks like this is going to take some time.”

 

Kylo lifted her hand to his lips impulsively. Then he let go and walked into his kitchen to pour the wine while the future love of his life made herself as comfortable as she could.

 

__________________________________


	4. I'll keep this moment by and by

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey doesn't realize, but she's given Leia the best gift a mother could hope for, much to Kylo's irritation. Also, these two aren't fooling anyone.

**_Boxing Day_ **

 

Leia settled into her most comfortable seat in the den and looked from one to the other and back before lifting her glass of scotch to her lips. She took a small sip and watched Ben’s hand tighten around Rey’s. She took another sip and watched Rey cast a shy, curious glance at her son. She took one more sip and watched him return Rey’s glance. Then she lowered her glass and smiled at them both. 

 

“So, this is cozy.”

 

The sarcasm must’ve been audible because her son nailed her with a narrowed gaze. 

 

“Enjoying your scotch?” he asked pointedly and she smiled a little wider.

 

“Always. Thanks. You know just what to get me for Christmas.”

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t bring anything -” Rey tried to interject, but both Leia and Ben shot her down.

 

“Nonsense.”

 

“It’s fine.”

 

Leia raised a brow at Ben, who shut up and looked away. She pursed her lips and looked over at Rey again. 

 

“You did get me something, dear. Ben hasn’t come home for the holidays in ages and yet here he is. My son.”  

 

She looked at him - that big, proud, handsome man - and dammit, those weren’t tears in her eyes. They weren’t. She took another sip and glanced away from him as he unexpectedly met her gaze.

 

“ _ Mom _ .”

 

“Oh, stop it,” Leia groused. “It’s your name and it’s what you are. Must we do this every time?”  

 

Rey made a small, choked noise, and Leia glanced at her. The girl was quelling a laugh, she knew it. She smiled brightly again. “I’m just glad you could make it. After yesterday…”

 

This time it was Ben making the choked noise and she looked between the two of them to see Rey squeezing Ben’s hand and patting him on the back. 

 

Leia wasn’t an idiot. She knew excuses when she heard them and she knew the tell-tale signs of a couple just making up after their first fight like the back of her hand. The tentative hand-holding, the relieved set of the guilty partner’s shoulders, the defiant lift of the victim’s chin...she knew they hadn’t missed Christmas dinner with her because of work...but she wasn’t going to call them out for it, either. Yet. 

 

“Well, shall we finish exchanging gifts?” she said, redirecting the subject.

 

Rey suddenly looked uncomfortable.  “I thought -”

 

“It  _ is _ fine, Rey,” Ben murmured. “You weren’t supposed to bring something.” He glared at Leia, who smiled back at him beatifically. 

 

“Of course not! I meant you two.” She made her attack. “You didn’t get a chance to exchange them yesterday, after all, what with you both having to work unexpectedly. Did you?”

 

Rey shifted in her seat and blushed prettily. “We weren’t going to get each other gifts,” she tried to explain and Leia narrowed her eyes.

 

Oh, yes. Leia knew perfectly well that they hadn’t cancelled on her for Christmas because of something mundane. She knew it was her handsome, proud son who had fucked things up somehow. He was his father’s son as well, after all...which was why she felt no compunctions against messing with him now.

 

“Then why does Ben look so guilty?” she asked, whilst innocently taking another sip of her scotch.

 

Rey glanced over at Ben, horror painted across her face. Leia would’ve howled with laughter if she’d thought it appropriate. Instead, she gave her son what she hoped was an encouraging look. 

 

He glared at her again. “Thanks, Mom.”

 

“You’re welcome, Ben. I remember how reluctant you always were when it came to girls and gifts.”

 

“You didn’t get me anything,” Rey hissed at him beneath her breath, as if Leia couldn’t hear her. 

 

So Leia of course gestured with her glass. “Let’s see it, Ben.”

 

Ben gave his mother a hard stare before turning back to his delightful girlfriend with an apologetic look on his face.

 

God, Leia hoped he could hang onto this one.

 

Rey’s expression was a lovely blend of horror and accusation and Ben took both her hands in his.

 

“I’m sorry. I know we said we wouldn’t do this, but I saw the advertisement for this and I had to...forget it. Just open it. Or don’t. Whatever makes you happy. I don’t want you to feel pressured by this, or guilty, or -”

 

“Kylo. Shut up,” Rey said. “Just show me what it is.”

 

Leia grinned at the longsuffering tone of voice and had visions of grandbabies: lots and lots of grandbabies. She would even be willing to put up with Rey calling him that ridiculous name in exchange for the little bundles of joy with chubby thighs and round cheeks.

 

Ben reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out an envelope. When Rey saw it was just paper, she relaxed visibly and let him put it in her hands. 

 

_ Interesting _ , though Leia. Aloud she said, “Well? Open it, dear.”

 

Rey glanced at her before looking back up at Ben. 

 

He smiled softly. “Open it,” he encouraged her, his voice quiet. 

 

Rey held her breath and slowly peeled open the flap of the envelope. She slid her fingers inside, and then pulled out her prize...and any remaining horror on her face melted away. She looked up at Ben, brows raised and mouth hanging open, the corners turned up in happy surprise. 

 

“Really?”

 

He nodded. “Do you like it?”

 

Rey’s only response was to lift a hand to Ben’s neck and pull him down to her. Leia took another sip of her scotch and looked away for a few seconds. 

 

“Well, what are they?” she asked when she felt it was safe. When she looked back at them, Ben’s face was bright red and Rey’s matched, although she looked extremely pleased with herself.

 

Rey looked over at her and the girl’s smile positively lit up the room.

 

“Tickets to a cooking class with Ina Garten.”

 

Leia had to work very, very hard not to spit out her drink.

 

“A class  _ with _ Ina Garten?”

 

“Yes…” Rey’s voice trailed off and she glanced between Leia and her son. “Why?”

 

“I didn’t think Ina Garten ever traveled to do classes.”

 

“She doesn’t! That’s what makes this so...amazing…” Rey’s voice trailed off again and she inspected the tickets more closely. 

 

Leia was sure Ben was glaring at her, but she ignored him and kept her eyes on Rey.

 

Rey’s brows shot up in surprise yet again.

 

“It’s in the Hamptons?” she practically squeaked. 

 

“Rey -”

 

“Kylo!”

 

“Rey, listen to me -”

 

“Kylo, this is exactly why we said we wouldn’t do this!”

 

“I know, but Rey -”

 

Leia sat back and continued to sip at her scotch as she watched the verbal volleyball. 

 

Oh yes. If she knew her son, grandbabies were definitely in her future. Lots and lots and  _ lots  _ of grandbabies.

 

_____________________________________________

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter titles are all from Sarah McLachlan's Wintersong. One of my favorite bittersweet Christmas tunes. Right up there with Vienna Teng's The Last Snowfall. Remember the holidays aren't happy for everyone, y'all. Be kind this season.


End file.
